R. R. Branstrom | Daily Press | Grief counselor Gwen Kapcia of Portland, Mich. delivers a seminar at Bay College recently about how to cope with overwhelming feelings of the holidays after the death of someone close.

ESCANABA — The last grief seminar of the year organized by the Delta County Victim Services Unit (VSU) brought counselor Gwen Kapcia to Bay College. She discussed tips for coping with grief and loss during the holidays, which included things like communicating needs to others and allowing oneself to mourn, laugh, exit uncomfortable situations, and make compromises.

The VSU is made up of volunteers who work alongside the Delta County Sheriff’s Department to assist survivors of crime and loss. When the department has to deliver news of a death to family members, the VSU and grief comfort dog Opal are often there to offer support and consolation. A grief support group gathers once a month — on second Thursdays at 6 p.m. — in room 611 of the Joseph Heirman Center at Bay College. Seminars with Kapcia, who lives downstate near Grand Rapids but is from the Upper Peninsula, have been occurring in place regular meetings on a quarterly basis. The Groleau family helps raise money for VSU events.

Kapcia’s special holiday event was music-themed. Though songs can be an aid in the grieving and recovery process, the session was less about the literal and more about viewing melodies a metaphor — “What music can you make with what you have left for yourself and for the family around you?” Kapcia posed rhetorically.

Illustrating her points with examples from her own life, Kapcia acknowledged that the holidays can be hard to get through when loved ones are no longer with us. To make them easier to bear, she provided a number of suggestions. Among many others, some tips are as follows:

– Don’t ignore the elephant in the room. An awkward situation of dancing around the topic of loss and refusing to mention the dead can be diffused by saying their name.

– Take measures that may make tasks easier. For example, if the burden of hosting means that you’re left exhausted with piles of dishes, switch to paper plates or ask if someone else can host.

– Have an exit plan. It’s okay to leave a party or excuse yourself to another room if it turns out you’re not ready to interact.

– Don’t give in to limiting beliefs; reframe them positively. Instead of telling yourself that Christmas will be unbearable without your recently-deceased wife, say, “Things will be different this year, but they can still be meaningful.”

– Figure out what you can and cannot do, and relay that to those around you. Since people can’t know precisely how you feel at a given moment and sometimes mistakenly assume they know what’s best, it’s helpful to communicate your needs. Create a code word or signal to tell your loved ones “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

– Don’t fear natural reactions like crying and becoming emotional. “It’s not a breakdown. It’s a normal response,” said Kapcia. “If you threw a lot of pepper on your plate, you’d sneeze, right?”

– Build a support team. “We all need a listener. We need a doer. We need a spiritual care person, maybe a prayer warrior. We need a fun friend,” Kapcia said. Not everyone has a whole posse, but even having just one person to turn to is better than struggling with no outlet.

– Remember that it’s okay to laugh and have fun in the absence of your loved one; it doesn’t mean you miss them any less.

Over time, Kapcia said, there will be stability again, but “the harmony that comes is not the same tune that played before.”

Following the talk, attendees of the seminar were invited to light candles for their lost loved ones and say their names aloud.

The group then listened to a song that was played through a boom box, “To Cry for You” by Carolyn Arends, which contained the lyrics:

“Blessed are the ones who weep, because every tear is proof of ties that bind so strong and deep that death cannot undo, so it is my honor to cry for you.”

The next monthly meeting of the grief support group will be at 6 p.m. on Jan. 14 in room 611 of the Joseph Heirman Center on Bay College’s Escanaba campus. A Facebook page entitled “Delta County Victim’s Services Unit” posts occasional updates.

Kapcia, a licensed social worker in Michigan, provides educational materials about navigating loss at grief-guide.com.