Dear Annie: My husband hasn’t heard a word from his mother in over 20 years — not even after the deaths of two of her sons. She’s now 94, and we recently heard she’s still alive, still isolated, and still unwilling to speak to him or anyone else in the family.

It breaks my heart. I remember the early years of our marriage — sending her birthday cards from our kids, calling on holidays, even driving hours just to drop off a homemade pie and say hello. Sometimes she’d answer the door, sometimes not. There was never any warmth, only silence or disapproval. Eventually, the silence won.

She’s cut off nearly everyone — siblings, grandchildren, old friends. I’ve often wondered if there’s some undiagnosed mental illness at play. I’ve had my own struggles — I’ve been sober 17 years now — and I understand how pain and shame can twist people up inside. But still… how does a mother turn her back on her children, especially after burying two of them?

Now that she’s in her 90s, I can’t help but think time is running out. There’s no confrontation left to be had. Just silence. And sadness. My husband doesn’t talk about it much, but I see the ache in him. It’s like a quiet grief that never had a funeral.

What makes a mother walk away from her own family? And how do you make peace with that kind of abandonment when you never got the chance to ask “why”? — Still Trying to Understand

Dear Trying to Understand: Undiagnosed mental illness could be at fault here. So long as you know that she was sick and it was not your or your husband’s fault, I hope that brings you a bit of peace.

Some people simply aren’t capable of giving the love and connection we hope for — not because of anything we did, but because of who they are, or what they’ve been through and never faced.

You and your husband made the effort. You showed kindness, you extended grace and you gave more chances than most would. That’s something to be proud of.

As painful as it is, you may never get an explanation or closure. But you can make peace with the unanswered questions by focusing on the love you’ve built in your own life. Grieve what you lost, but don’t let it overshadow what you still have.

— — —

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.