Feeling second best to his mother
Dear Annie: I’m struggling with my mother-in-law, “Linda,” and it’s starting to cause tension in my marriage. My husband, “Jake,” is an only child, and they have always been very, very close. At first, I thought it was sweet, but I’ve come to realize that when Linda and I have a difference of opinion, Jake will always be Team Linda.
Last week, we invited her over for dinner. I had gone to the grocery store and bought all the ingredients for pasta and a Caesar salad, and that very afternoon, Linda called and said, “I’m really in the mood for steak.” Instead of supporting me because I had already prepped the menu and done the grocery shopping, Jake agreed with her and requested that we go buy steaks instead.
This is one of just countless examples, but it’s really starting to wear on me. I think it’s nice that they’re close, but I don’t want to compete with his mother. How do I get Jake to see my side without making him feel like he has to choose between us? — Odd Woman Out
Dear Odd Woman Out: This isn’t about food preferences; it’s about respect. By agreeing with his mother on the steak issue, Jake dismissed your efforts and made you feel like an outsider in your own marriage.
The first step would be telling him how his actions made you feel. You’re not asking him to cut ties with his mother — just to take your feelings into consideration. This doesn’t have to be a competition.
Dear Annie: Many people end up in jobs they don’t enjoy for different reasons. Some feel pressured by their parents to become doctors or lawyers. Some feel their dreams are unrealistic or that they don’t have what it takes to be successful.
For me, the message was clear: “You’re a woman — you do office work.” So I did, and I hated it. I wanted to be a flight attendant, but I was “too short.” I loved carpentry, but that was a “man’s job.” Photography? My parents didn’t see it as “real work.”
I spent my life proving people wrong, mastering carpentry, electrical work, photography, landscaping and even driving semis. But despite all these skills, I never fully used them. It felt too late, I felt too old, too tired. Now, at 70, I look back and wish I had pushed harder for what I truly wanted.
To young people: follow your dreams, even when no one believes in you. Schools offer career assessments, and my kids followed theirs. If you think creatively, your passion can lead to all sorts of opportunities. For example, my son always liked gaming and ended up becoming a very successful programmer. I just hope more kids have the courage to chase what they love, no matter what others say. — Unliked Careers
Dear Unliked Careers: Even if you didn’t use your skills to your full potential, the fact that you pursued them shows your resilience and self-confidence. It’s true that young people cannot let others dictate their future, and it’s also true that it’s never too late! At 70, your experience and wisdom would make you a great mentor to young people pursuing photography, carpentry or even just looking for some career guidance. Follow your own advice and pursue those passions that you haven’t yet exhausted.
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Annie Lane’s second anthology — “How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.