Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for over 20 years. Recently, he has become increasingly controlling, checking all my movements and whereabouts, even while we are both at home. He checks if I am asleep by pretending to be putting something on the bedside table when he could just ask if I am asleep, for instance.

This has caused me to lose trust and interest in our marriage. I am a religious person, and we both attend church regularly, but I feel like a prisoner in my own home. — Help Me

Dear Help Me: Your husband’s behavior is intrusive, possessive and controlling, like you said. It’s also odd that he’s started doing this out of the blue with seemingly no change in your marriage to warrant it. 

The next time you catch him checking up on you, confront him directly. Let him know that what he’s doing makes you uncomfortable and that him watching your every move makes it seem like he doesn’t trust you. You’ll be able to tell a lot by how he reacts to this.

It’s important to lean on people you love and can trust right now, be it a friend or your pastor at church. Consider seeing a therapist to deal with how you’re feeling, and if your husband’s willing to go to therapy with you, all the better. It sounds like there are deeper issues at play that deserve to be looked into if you want to restore your marriage.

Dear Annie: I am a feminist to the core and a lawyer. Forty years ago, I got tired of getting mad at my husband for his lack of interest/caring/whatever with regard to Christmas gifts. I went off to my therapist, sure I would get a sympathetic ear.

She said if I needed a gift, jewelry or flowers, I should go buy them for myself. It was my job to make me happy. That was a shock.

That year I spent a month going up and down Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills looking at rings and bought myself one for that Christmas. I loved it and have continued to “make myself happy” for Christmas and other occasions. I often order things and sweetly and humorously thank my husband. We both laugh.

If I buy my husband a gift and he doesn’t use it, I regift it to him the next year. We frequently get a laugh out of that, too. I also reuse old cards.

Hope these ideas help my fellow females! — Happily Buying What Makes Me Happy

Dear Makes Me Happy: Your letter is a great example of how managing expectations can foster a happier relationship. If you expected extravagant gifts from your husband, then you’d be disappointed when he failed to deliver. But because you know gifts aren’t his love language, you’re able to share a laugh with him and still enjoy the holidays.

Not everyone will want to follow this exact path, but the bigger message is valuable. If a partner isn’t behaving the way we’d like, we can either communicate our needs directly or adjust our mindset, as you did.

At the end of the day, we are in charge of our own happiness. Instead of harboring resentment, you found a way to enjoy gift-giving on your terms. Well done!

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Annie Lane’s second anthology — “How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.