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When love languages don’t match

Dear Annie: I’ve been married to a wonderful man for seven years, and we have a strong, loving relationship. However, after Valentine’s Day, I found myself feeling a bit sad.

In all our years together, my husband has never given me flowers — not for Valentine’s Day, our anniversary or any other special occasion. Gifts, in general, don’t seem to be on his radar. Instead, he prefers for us to split the cost of a nice dinner or a getaway, which I do appreciate.

But deep down, I wish he would do something romantic just for me — like surprising me with flowers or even a small necklace with a heart on it. It’s not about the price, but the thought behind it.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I also don’t want to keep feeling disappointed year after year. How do I talk to him about this without making him feel like he’s failing as a husband? I’d love your advice on how to navigate this conversation and maybe help him understand why these small gestures mean so much to me. — Feeling Undervalued

Dear Undervalued: Everyone expresses love in different ways. Yours might be through thoughtful gifts, while your husband’s could be through physical affection or shared experiences. Understanding these differences is key to a strong relationship.

It’s important to recognize your own romantic needs and communicate them openly. If receiving small, meaningful gifts makes you feel loved, let your husband know in a kind and positive way. He may not realize how much these gestures mean to you, and a gentle conversation could make all the difference.

Dear Annie: I’m struggling with a challenging dynamic in my five-year relationship with my boyfriend, “Tom.” While our relationship has been rocky, we’ve made progress recently, and I’ve felt hopeful — until this issue with his close friend “Mary.”

Tom and Mary say they’re like family, but their relationship doesn’t resemble any family bond I’ve seen. They greet and say goodbye with kisses on the mouth, long embraces, and affectionate words of love and admiration. Mary frequently calls on Tom for favors– lighting her furnace, fixing things, staying with her after surgery — and he drops everything to help her, even if we’re spending time together.

Mary is wealthy, well-connected and has plenty of resources, but she still relies on Tom constantly. She praises him endlessly, calling him “amazing” and “wonderful.” Meanwhile, neither Mary nor Tom has made much effort to include me in this “family.” She invites him to her gatherings but excludes me, and Tom doesn’t seem to think that’s a problem. When I’ve invited myself, Mary has been polite but dismissive, and her focus remains solely on Tom.

To clarify, I don’t see her as a romantic threat. It feels more like an unhealthy, overly close mother-son dynamic that prevents Tom from fully committing to our relationship — which he claims he wants. Honestly, it’s also a huge turn-off.

Thanks to therapy, my self-esteem is stronger, and I’ve realized I’m no longer OK with this dynamic. I’ve expressed my feelings to Tom, explaining how disrespected and diminished I feel. While there have been minor improvements, the core issue remains unchanged. He defends their relationship wholeheartedly and doesn’t seem to understand how it’s hurting ours.

Tom has many positive qualities, and there’s a lot I like about our relationship. But at this point, I don’t know if this can be resolved or if it’s simply time to move on.

Do you have any advice for addressing this, or should I let go? — Third Wheel No More

Dear Third Wheel No More: Here’s something to consider: Imagine nothing changes. Can you see yourself being happy in this relationship as it is? If the answer is no, it may be time to let go. Leaving a relationship is never easy, but staying in one where you feel diminished can be even harder in the long run.

Ultimately, you deserve a partner who prioritizes you and makes you feel valued. If Tom isn’t willing to step into that role fully, then perhaps it’s time to move on and open yourself up to a relationship that will.

You have taken all the right steps by expressing your feelings to him. In the end, actions speak louder than words, and if his actions keep leaning toward Mary, then it may be time to move on.

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“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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