Dear Annie: How do I get across to a sibling that she can’t order me to come and be a caretaker for our ailing mother? Mom is almost 92 and is recovering from a stroke. It has affected her vision, so there are many daily things she cannot do for herself. She no longer drives; her poor motor skills don’t allow her to cook or handle hot items on a stove, nor shower or bathe herself.

My siblings and I agree that Mom needs to be in assisted living with nursing care, but one sibling insists on looking after mom herself. That’s all well and good, but she now realizes that it has become burdensome and she can’t have her own life, see her friends or look after her own home. We all live several states away from Mom, so Caretaker Sister is fortunate to be able to work remotely and live with Mom. A home health aide comes twice a week to assist with daily showering and light housework. Because I am retired, Sister thinks she can just snap her fingers and I arrive to relieve her for a month or more at a time. I have no problem visiting Mom, but her level of care is something I am not comfortable with.

“p1″>Every time the topic of assisted living comes up, Sister has a different reason why she is against it. First it was because assisted living facilities are “not nice places and hire subpar people.” Then it was that assisted living is OK, but she doesn’t want to do it against Mom’s will. (Mom has told her she wants to go.) Then Sister said she wants a place with graduated care so Mom wouldn’t have to move when she gets worse.

The list goes on, and there is a different reason every time. While the rest of us siblings are thankful Sister has stepped in to look after Mom (driving her to doctor’s appointments, getting her groceries and preparing meals), we knew it would eventually come to this. We are all married with families and homes of our own, and we live in other states, but Sister is single and thinks it’s no longer her turn. Yes, she SHOULD be able to go on a vacation, go check on her house and have her life back. She could do all of that if she would just concede to Mom going into assisted living. Mom has the funds to provide for her care. But Sister just thinks she can just do it better.

Thoughts on how to settle this? — Struggling for Consensus

Dear Struggling: Dealing with a parent’s declining health can be an incredibly emotional experience. Your sister took on an enormous responsibility, and it sounds like she has hit her breaking point without wanting to admit it.

Her resistance to assisted living has more to do with emotions — guilt, fear, sadness — than rational decision-making.

Since your mother has expressed that she wants to go into assisted living, the best thing you can do is take action. Start researching facilities that you feel comfortable with, and tell your sister that the decision ultimately lies with your mother.

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Annie Lane’s second anthology — “How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information.