Dear Annie: I’m a 47-year-old woman from Texas, and I’m not usually one to complain. I’ve always considered myself resilient, but I’m stuck in a situation where I need advice on two related issues.

First, and there’s no easy way to say this, my mother had an affair with my high school boyfriend. I dated him for four years, starting when I was a freshman and he was a senior. During my senior year, my mom ran off with him in the new convertible my dad had just bought her, leaving my dad and me behind. It was horrible and uncomfortable. My parents divorced shortly after (and after 25 years of marriage), making my senior year suck even more. 

To make matters worse, my mom never admitted to me what she’d done. My ex-boyfriend, on the other hand, bragged about it. I kicked him to the curb. My dad moved to Oregon to be with family, and we didn’t speak for about seven years. We reconnected when he came to meet my son, who was almost a year old at the time. After that, he moved back to Texas, where we spent the last four years of his life together before he passed away from cancer.

Growing up, my dad and I were very close. We never talked about my mom’s betrayal until shortly before he died. He wasn’t one to drink, but he took me for a beer once and told me about her affair. It was clear the hurt ran deep. He also shared how years earlier, the school my dad graduated from and worked at as a dorm parent banned my mom from returning after she had relations with a senior at said school. My dad left the school, too, to care for my sister, who was a baby at the time.

Despite everything, I’ve always craved a relationship with my mother. About 10 years ago, I confronted her about how deeply she hurt me by running off with my boyfriend. I wanted and still want an apology. Her response was, “I don’t owe you anything. That’s between me and God, and I was rebaptized.” That hurt and didn’t offer much remorse to help me move forward. 

Now my boys are 22 and 18. My mother and sister have always tried to manipulate my oldest with money to drive a wedge between us. My youngest, who is about to become a Marine, sees right through them. Recently, I came clean about why I don’t talk to my mom and sister, and he wasn’t surprised. He’s already cut ties with them.

My questions are these: How do I forgive my mother when she shows no accountability or remorse? And how can I build relationships with my dad’s family in Oregon, who I barely know because my mom kept me away from them? I feel so isolated in Texas and want to connect with them, but I don’t know where to start. Is it too late? Most of all, how can I let go of the resentment that I know is poisoning me? — Searching for Peace

Dear Searching for Peace: I can’t imagine how damaging your mother’s affair was, especially during such a formative time of your life — and with your boyfriend no less. I’m terribly sorry.

Forgiving someone who cannot acknowledge their wrongs isn’t an easy feat, but it doesn’t require reconciliation, especially with someone toxic. Ultimately, forgiveness is more so for your peace of mind than anything else. You’ve been carrying around this pain for so many years, and it’s finally time to release it. A good therapist can help you overcome this trauma once and for all.

As for your father’s family, try reaching out with a simple letter or online message. It’s not your fault that you were unable to get close to them as a child, but now as an adult, you get to reclaim who family is to you and the relationship with them that you want to have.

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Annie Lane’s second anthology — “How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.