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Finding forgiveness for a toxic parent

Dear Annie: Last week, I was caring for a patient named “Mr. Thompson,” who had come in with severe back pain. After completing my initial assessment, his daughter, “Sally,” arrived and immediately demanded that I give her father “the strongest pain meds you’ve got.” I explained that we had protocols to follow and that the doctor would need to approve any narcotics. She became furious, yelling, “What’s wrong with you? Can’t you see he’s suffering? Just give him something!”

I calmly assured her that we were doing everything we could to manage his pain, but she stormed out of the room, swearing under her breath. Later, when I stepped away for a moment to grab supplies, she cornered me in the hallway and accused me of ignoring her father. It was degrading and exhausting, especially after a 10-hour shift without a proper break.

This kind of treatment has become all too common, and it leaves me questioning how society has lost its sense of respect and gratitude for nurses who are just trying to do their jobs. — Tired Nurse

Dear Tired: First and foremost, I want to personally thank you for your dedication to such a vital profession. Nurses are one of the most noble and important professions you can choose, and I am deeply grateful for you and all the hardworking nurses out there.

While there is no excuse for rude behavior, it might help to remind yourself that this behavior often reflects the stress and emotions of the patient or their family, not your incredible work or character. Please know in your heart how valuable and impactful your job is. You make a difference every single day, even when it doesn’t feel like it. Thank you for all that you do.

Dear Annie: I grew up with a mother who was an abusive alcoholic and drug addict. She also struggled with anorexia and severe mental illness, which made my childhood incredibly painful and traumatic. For years, I resented her for the damage she caused and the anger she directed toward me and my siblings.

Later, I learned that as a child, my mother had been sexually abused by her brother. While this knowledge doesn’t excuse her behavior, it did help me understand the deep pain she carried and why she acted the way she did. In time, it allowed me to find some forgiveness and compassion for her.

How can others in similar situations — dealing with abusive or toxic family members — work toward understanding, healing and forgiveness while still protecting themselves from harm? — Seeking Peace

Dear Seeking: By forgiving your mother and understanding her pain, you have given yourself the greatest gift of all — peace through forgiveness. This does not mean you must maintain a close relationship with someone who continues to harm you. True growth and healing take time, and therapy or counseling can be invaluable in helping you process your emotions, understand your reactions and develop healthy coping strategies.

Thank you for sharing your experience. By printing your letter, I hope it inspires and helps others in similar situations.

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“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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