Dear Annie: I’ve learned something surprising over the years as a step-parent: Holidays don’t have to be confined to specific dates. In our family, Christmas Eve is just as special as Christmas Day, and we’ve even repeated Thanksgiving on the Friday after, with leftovers and a fresh pie. We’ve also started alternating years for who gets which holiday. This way, everyone gets meaningful, quality time without the rush or pressure.

It started as a way to avoid making my stepchild feel torn between parents, but over time, it’s grown into a system that benefits everyone, including extended family. For example, both my ex and my partner’s ex now stay at hotels instead of with the kids, which keeps the atmosphere neutral and focused on the children.

I’d love to share this idea with others, but I’m also curious: Do you think this approach could work for most blended families, or are there pitfalls I should watch out for? What advice would you give to others navigating shared holidays in co-parenting or step-parenting situations? — Blended Families

Dear Blended: Your approach is thoughtful and compassionate — what a gift to your family. Being flexible in celebrating holidays can ease the pressure on children and create meaningful memories for everyone. This strategy works well for many blended families, as it prioritizes the well-being of the kids while fostering harmony among adults.

The key is clear communication and mutual respect. Thank you for sharing what has worked for you.

Dear Annie: I’m struggling with my role as a stepmother and could really use some guidance. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year, and he has two children from his previous marriage, ages 8 and 12. They split their time between our house and their mother’s, which means I get to see them often, but not every day.

I want to have a good relationship with them, but I’m finding it difficult to figure out my place. I feel like I’m walking a tightrope between being too involved and not involved enough. I don’t want to overstep boundaries with their mom or make the kids feel like I’m trying to replace her, but I also want to contribute positively to their lives and feel included as part of the family.

The kids are polite, but I sense some hesitation and resistance to fully opening up to me. Sometimes, I feel like no matter how hard I try, I’ll always be an outsider in their eyes. It’s tough not to take it personally.

On top of that, my husband and I have had a few disagreements about discipline. He tends to let a lot of things slide because he feels guilty about the divorce, while I believe in setting clear boundaries and expectations. How do I bring up these concerns without causing tension in our marriage?

I’m genuinely trying to approach this with love and patience, but I’m feeling overwhelmed and unsure if I’m doing the right thing. How can I navigate the complexities of being a stepmom, build a loving relationship with my stepchildren and maintain a healthy marriage? — Overwhelmed Stepmom

Dear Overwhelmed: Keep doing what you are doing. Building a strong relationship with your stepchildren takes time, patience and consistency. Focus on creating a safe, supportive environment where they feel comfortable. Small, meaningful gestures, like showing interest in their hobbies or being there when they need a listening ear, can go a long way.

When it comes to boundaries with their mother, keep communication respectful and avoid comparing yourself. You’re not trying to replace her; you’re carving out your own unique role in their lives.

Above all, give yourself grace. It’s normal to feel like an outsider at times, but love, patience and showing up consistently will help build those bonds over time. You’re doing better than you think.

— — —

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.