FLINT - I don't understand those who get so upset about gay marriage. You'd think the sky was going to fall.
"This is the beginning of the end for society as we know it," they moan. "When men marry men and women marry women, it won't be long before men are marrying kangaroos and women are marrying fruit trees. And then fruit trees and kangaroos will start making googly eyes at one another and before you know it our children will be sitting next to fruit tree kangaroos in class. Is that what we want?"
Listen, if people of the same gender getting married bothers you much, then don't go to the wedding. Or if you really want to send a statement, send them the cheapest thing on their registry. That'll show 'em.
Here's the thing: No one really cares if you object, anyway. If two people think they love one another enough to risk hating one another because they've heard each other's jokes and stories over and over and over again it's really none of your business, now is it?
"Maybe not, but it's immoral!" the Bible-thumpers will say.
Which is ridiculous. Love between consenting adults is never immoral. In fact, it's the only thing that matters according to my hero, John Lennon.
"But it's against my religion."
That may be so, but this is Amuricah. I'm sure you have a very nice religion, but its beliefs are not necessarily supposed to be reflected in our laws. Ideally, our laws are faith-free. Except, of course, for that one that lets churches get away without paying taxes, which I'll never understand. But I digress.
"You watch, gay marriage will lead to the moral destruction of this country!"
Really? How'd you enjoy that last episode of "Modern Family?"
"Yeah, well, that's different. Those are funny gays."
I, um, completely see your point.
"Why can't those people just be happy shacking up together or going with a civil union?"
Probably because they'd like the same legal protections and rights as other married couples. How would you like to not be able to visit your loved one in the hospital? How mad would you be if you, like the plaintiff in the DOMA case that's before the U.S. Supreme Court, had to pay $363,000 in inheritance taxes because the law doesn't let the IRS recognize your spouse as your spouse?
You'd probably feel the way a lot of gay couples feel - like your own country views your union as second class or as no union at all.
"Yeah, well, tough luck for them. Serves 'em right for making me feel uncomfortable."
Ah, and there we have the crux of the issue. Once you boil away all the fluff and fury, what's really behind the opposition to gay marriage is it makes some people uncomfortable.
To that I say, "Get over it." People are people, and they should be treated the same under the law whether you like it or not.
It's that simple. Gay marriage is coming. Try to relax. The sky isn't falling. In fact, it never does.
After all this time, you'd think you'd have noticed that.
EDITOR'S NOTE - Andy Heller, an award-winning columnist, appears weekly in the Daily Press. He graduated from Escanaba Area High School in 1979. Write to Andrew Heller at email@example.com or follow him on Facebook and Twitter.