FLINT - You knew it would happen. Someone tracked down and interviewed Mitt Romney's dog, who lives in a gated retirement community in Florida. The reporter caught up with him at a nearby Steak N' Shake just as he was getting ready to order off the early bird menu.
Reporter: "Excuse me, are you Mitt Romney's dog?"
The dog put down the menu and cast a weary eye toward his visitor.
"Sigh, I knew it would happen sooner or later," he said. "Ever since the Democrats started using that story about Mitt driving from Boston to Canada on a family trip back in '83 with me in a kennel on the roof, I knew someone would find me. Let's get this over with, shall we?"
Reporter: "So is the story true?"
"It's true, all right. I'd been having some intestinal troubles and Mitt didn't want me to mess up the carpet in his car. Also, I shed a lot and if there's one thing that sets him off it's hair all over his cashmere sweater. So up on the roof I went."
Reporter: "Sounds horrible."
"Meh, it wasn't as bad as the media are making it out to be. Do I wish they'd have stopped more often? Definitely. Would it have been nicer to have a chew toy with me? Sure. But remember, I'm a dog. My sense of smell is 20 times better than yours, so being in a crate cruising down the highway is like a high speed parade of olfactory wonderfulness. Except for all the skunks. I could have done without the skunks."
Reporter: "So you didn't feel it was a cruel and unusual way to treat a member of the family, like the Democrats are suggesting?"
"Not at all. And even if it were, I certainly wasn't going to complain. Do you know what it's like living with a wealthy family like the Romneys? You should be so lucky as to dine on the 'scraps' they fed me. Filet mignon every night. And, believe me, it's not every dog that has his own butler."
Reporter: "You had a butler?"
"Are you kidding? In that house, even the butler had a butler."
Reporter: "So you didn't suffer any psychological damage?"
"To the contrary, being on top of the car was a blessing in some ways."
Reporter: "How so?"
"Have you ever heard the man sing? His voice can peel paint. Eight hours of him wailing along to Wayne Newton greatest hits might have killed me."
Reporter: "So putting you in a crate doesn't suggest anything about his character?"
"Nah, that's just political gamesmanship, same as the Republicans trying to paint President Obama as a dog-eater."
Reporter: "But he did eat dog as a child."
"And I pooped on carpets. You live, you learn. Voters care about issues. Can we dispense with this nonsense and get back to talking about unemployment, please?"
Reporter: "So no hard feelings?"
"None whatsoever. Although, I do wish Mitt would've turned the kennel around so I was facing backward."
Reporter: "Why's that?"
"Do you have any idea how much it hurts to get hit in the face by a dragonfly going 80 mph?"
EDITOR'S NOTE - Andy Heller, an award-winning columnist for The Flint Journal, appears weekly in the Daily Press. He graduated from Escanaba Area High School in 1979. For more of his work, visit his blog at blog.mlive.com/flintjournal/aheller.