FLINT - Ladies of America, you no doubt have questions about "The Three Stooges," given that the movie of the same name opened recently. As a card-carrying American male, I have answers on behalf of my gender.
Q: "OK, so what the heck do guys see in them?"
A: "We see ourselves as boys."
Q: "Really? You see yourselves in three morons who slap, smack and injure one another?"
A: "Sure. Have you ever watched boys play?"
Q: "OK, good point. But I guess what we're asking is why do boys like doing that kind of stuff?"
A: "I dunno. Why do women like soap operas and kissy face movies?"
Q: "No fair asking us questions. At least we don't find the stuff they do in soap operas and romances funny. That's what we don't get about the Three Stooges: What's so funny about violence?"
A: "You mean the head slapping?"
A: "And the nose tweaking?"
Q: "Especially that."
A: "And my personal favorite, the two-finger eye poke?"
Q: "Yes, what's so funny about that?"
A: "It's not funny "
Q: "Then why do you "
A: " it's bleeping hilarious! Oh man, I can't believe Curly didn't go blind. He must have had some muscular eyelids. I eye-poked my brother Bruce once and he saw stars for the rest of the day."
Q: "Oh, my goodness, that must have been awful."
A: "No, it was OK. It didn't hurt much."
Q: "But I thought you said he saw stars?"
A: "He did. I was talking about my fingers. Many people don't realize you can really bruise your fingertips by eye poking someone. Don't try this at home, folks."
Q: "Your poor brother. Wasn't he upset?"
A: "He sure was."
Q: "I can imag-"
A: "Our littlest brother Dan wasn't around so he had no one to eye poke back. That kind of thing tends to roll downhill in a family with a lot of boys."
Q: "Honestly, I can't believe your mother let you kids watch the Stooges. Couldn't she see how it was influencing your behavior?"
A: "Things weren't like that back then. We weren't monitored to within an inch of our lives like kids today are."
Q: "Well, maybe you should have been."
A: "Maybe. Then again, one could make the argument that the Three Stooges are educational for boys."
Q: "Oh really."
A: "Sure. In a metaphorical sense, how the Stooges treat one another is how males often treat other males in the real world, so by allowing boys to watch, enjoy and learn from the Stooges, one is in essence helping them prepare to survive the male world. See? Educational."
Q: "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."
A: "Oh, a wiseguy, eh?"
A: "Why I oughta "
Q: "You oughta what? Oh, I see, you're quoting the Stooges."
Q: "Your gender is insane, you know that?"
A: "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk."
EDITOR'S NOTE - Andy Heller, an award-winning columnist for The Flint Journal, appears weekly in the Daily Press. He graduated from Escanaba Area High School in 1979. For more of his work, visit his blog at blog.mlive.com/flintjournal/aheller. You can e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.