FLINT - "You know what I don't get?" said my back home pal Moon Dimple.
"How long do we have?" I replied.
"Very funny. I don't get why Republicans always say they want government out of people's lives."
"Well, it's probably because they want government out of people's lives," I said. "I try not to over-think things."
"Oh, yeah? So how come they spend so much time and energy talking about getting government into people's lives?"
"Well, for starters, birth control. Rick Santorum scared the hell out of a whole bunch of people when he said if he's president he'd wanna talk about the dangers of contraception and what the government can do about it."
"As if we don't have enough teenagers having babies as it is."
"Exactly. And that's led to other Republicans yammering on about a woman's right to choose, even though it's been the law of the land for nearly 40 years."
"They never give that one up."
"And of course you got gay marriage. You'd think a party that's so against big bad government interfering in our lives would be all for it, right?"
"But that's the thing. They don't want anything regulated when it comes to Wall Street, big business, the environment or guns. But when it comes to the bedroom, they'd love to regulate all sorts of stuff. It's like they want everything the way it was in 'Leave it to Beaver.'"
"They do seem a bit fixated on that image of America."
"Yeah, well I got news for them - people back then did the same things people today do, and they'll be doing them in the future, too."
"Meaning they can regulate all they want. It's not going to change human nature, and no amount of Bayer aspirin held between women's knees is going to change it."
"Ah, so you caught those comments by Foster Friess, Santorum's super PAC donor. You realize he apologized for that, right? He said he was joking and that even his wife thought it was stupid."
"So he says, but whether he was joking or not, I betcha a lot of Republican agreed with him."
"Probably, but why does it bother you so much?"
"Because they're getting away with inconsistent, and no one calls 'em on it. If you wanna be the party that regulates human behavior then be the party that regulates human behavior - and I mean all of it, not just the R-rated parts. Regulate banks, Wall Street, campaign donations - the whole shebang. But if you wanna pick and choose, then at least do us all a favor and stop bragging about how you're the party that wants government off our backs."
"That would be more consistent. But you know it'll never happen, right?"
"Not in a million, billion years."
EDITOR'S NOTE - Andy Heller, an award-winning columnist for The Flint Journal, appears weekly in the Daily Press. He graduated from Escanaba Area High School in 1979. For more of his work, visit his blog at blog.mlive.com/flintjournal/aheller. You can e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.